Mental Junk

Cameron is getting to the age that he has figured out he can make decisions about what he wants to do – not just figuring out that he CAN do something.

The other day we came home and I told him to take off his shoes and we will sit for dinner.  Michelle was at work, so it was just the three of us home.  Cam decided to go off and play instead of taking off his shoes – I told him to take off his shoes before he headed into the living room – as soon as he crossed over into the dining room with his shoes off – I told him 'That's it – you are sitting in the chair until you take off your shoes'.  That was the start of his hour and a half stubborn screaming session.

As soon as it started – I knew it would no longer be a quiet night – I also knew that I had to stick to my guns.  The thing is – it is such a dumb thing to get angry over – but not to a two year old.  That is the only form of independence he has in his mind.

Nate and I tried to sit and have our dinner while Cameron sat on the kitchen chair stubbornly not taking off his shoes.  After a while, Cameron realized that he wasn't getting dinner and we were – which started a fresh bout of screaming.  I felt bad for the kid – all he had to do was take off his shoes.  Something he has been able to do for probably a year now.  It was at that point I started questioning my parenting skills.  What the heck am I being so stubborn about?  It's just shoes, after all!  Here is this poor kid – hungry and obviously tired, and here I am – not letting him eat his dinner.  That's when I got a recharged sense of stubbornness.  I will not give in to have him do the same thing two years from now over cleaning his room.  I will not let him win when I tell him to clean his room and he cries or says no.

I've seen it all too often from other kids – they get what they want if they just keep at it.  "Mom, can I have the candy?" 'No.' "Mom, can I have the candy?" 'No.' "Mom, can I have the candy?" 'No.' "Mom, can I have the candy?" 'No.' "Mom, can I have the candy?" 'FINE!!' …. and off they go.  Happily getting their own way – becoming more of a brat every time.

So – there we were – Cameron crying in his chair, me telling him patiently and as calmly as I could that he could get down and have dinner if he just took off his shoes – and Nathan just sitting there trying to figure out what was going on.  Eventually Cameron gave in partially and took off one shoe.  After I congratulated him for taking off his shoe – he promptly jumped down from the chair.  I stood up – and calmly picked him up to place back in the chair – I didn't want to scold him or show any aggression or in any way discourage him – but, he still needed to take off his other shoe. Once he realized that I wouldn't let him down for just one shoe – he started screaming again and I didn't want to even raise my voice to tell him he just had to take the other shoe off.  After a moment he settled and I tried to encourage him for taking one shoe off, but point out he still needed to take off the other – the stubborn bum said 'No'.  So, his stubborn father said 'then no dinner until you do'.

Things didn't calm down until he fell asleep.  The peace lasted for about 15 minutes – Nathan just finished his bottle and was dozing quietly, Cameron had cried himself to sleep – and I was enjoying the quiet.

Once Cam woke up, he was calmer and more compliant.  He reached down and only whimpered a bit to take off his remaining shoe.  I said he could get down – and he did.  I then picked him up and gave him a hug to let him know I wasn't mad, then set him down in his highchair with his dinner.

I hope I am doing the right thing, but will only know for sure in a few years if the boys are well behaved or not.  They may need therapy – but they will be paying for it if they do

I became disillusioned with birthdays somewhere in my teens.  It was a
harsh discovery to find out that birthdays don't mean much to people
outside of your immediate family and friends.  You don't get the day
off school – you don't get special treatment from those around you –
rent is still due and you don't get gifts from strangers.

This forced me to reevaluate my whole value system regarding
birthdays.  What do they matter, really?  It's just a form of date
calculation and time to renew your license.  It is merely an excuse to
get together and celebrate – for some – your existence – for others –
your involvement in their life.  To me – it doesn't really matter. 
Should I not be showing you how much I care about you all year long? 
Do you really need something more for me to show you my affection
towards you?  If you do – then I am not much of a friend to you.  You
should already know – otherwise I've failed in showing you that.

I face a personal dilemma when it comes to ceremony and ritual.  I
want to know why the ritual exists – what does it mean?  I want to make
sure I agree with the reasons behind it before I participate, or even
condone it.  I know – that sounds as though what I say affects the
decisions of others – and I know it doesn't – but I still want to be
true to myself and make sure that I am not hypocritical about things –
which is so hard to do – but I have a lifetime to stomp them out of
myself.Anyway – I am getting off topic.

When it comes to birthdays – I want to make sure the people I care
about know I care about them without having to note their birthdays in
anyway.  If I forget (and I probably will) their birthday and not get a
card or call – I don't want them to get hurt feelings because they
think I don't care.  If I am a good friend to them – they should never
question whether I care about them – even if I let their birthday pass
without remark.  They should just think (to themselves or even to their
friends) "oh, that's just Rob.  He just doesn't care about birthdays. 
It's not that he doesn't care about me".

Now – with all that said – I am aware that some people place a lot more
stock in birthdays than I – and I do try to keep that in mind and wish
a happy birthday or call or whatever. That just ends up causing more
problems if I forget their birthday the following year – so what, I
don't care anymore?  Or what if I forget their birthday – but remember
their sibling's?  More likely – I forgot both of them – but was
reminded of the latter by a friend (more likely my wife – I love the
date reminder feature on her).

This gives me an interesting position when it comes to teaching my
kids.  I want to teach them that people place a lot of emotional stock
in birthdays – but your birthday only has to be as special as you make
it out to be.

I've been a dad for two years – holy crap.

Happy birthday Cameron.